[Maybe it's just me]
I love the way he is. I love his jokes, his character. But somehow… I go home each day with this strange feeling. It’s not new anymore. Am I just getting bored? Is this the feeling people get before they decide, this is not what they want and they want a break up? Or, it’s because of school and family that we’ve come to this state in our relationship. When we had arguments over the summer, things somehow ended….differently. He seemed to need me a lot more than now.
Maybe it’s just me…
[Resume game]
Once again, I find myself at the edge of a cliff, just made it over and I’m finally safe.
Maybe it’s a mix of my “normal” “teenage” chemical imbalance, causing crazy mood swings and boyfie’s “normal” “boyness” “boy hormones” which allow him to be the way he is, a huge ego. So it all comes down to this:
Thursday night, I’m chillin with my friends and Boyfie calls up, asks if I wanted to get out. So ok, I meet him at a fair. Usually, when you “hang out” with someone, you actually are WITH the person throughout the time you’re there. Right? Well he decides to walk off on his own while I’m with my other friends. What other choice do I have as opposed to following him everywhere like a dog than to be with my other friends. Well forget that. Later that night, Boyfie’s mom asks me over to dinner on Saturday.
Friday: I call up to ask the occasion for the dinner in case it were something big, I’d bring something over.
“Can I call you back later today? My moms not home”
Fair enough.
1 o’clock…2 o’clock….3 o’clock…4 o’clock….5 o’clock…5:30…..
I find out I have to go out for dinner and I’d be out the following morning and probably would only be back in time for dinner. I call up to ask what was happening.
“Can I call you back in 5 minutes?”
“Ok, but make it quick, I gotta go out soon ok?”
“Ok”
*An hour later the phone rings*
“I told you 5 minutes… you made me wait an hour”
He goes on with a little joke, not thinking that I just might actually be ticked that he made me wait that long, even if he had a good reason, I wasn’t aware of that reason.
I get pissed at him and he finally detects my not so happy tone of voice and asks what’s wrong. With him being all sarcastic and shooting me with his sarcastic jokes, I remained silent. He got worried/ticked/upset?….mad? And I had to go for dinner. That was the last time I talked to him on the phone for the entire weekend.
I wrote him an email which he replied, explaining his reasons for doing what he’d done on Friday. Reasons that are, yes, quite reasonable.
Sunday night:
He comes online. Everything is as per normal. At that point, I’ve already had so much time to think everything through. I don’t even remember what I was frustrated about and what I spent 2 nights crying myself to sleep about. He just had to make things worse. Glad he wanted to clarify things. But he just had to let his stupid male ego get in the way. I was already feeling crappy as hell and he had to say stupid things to make matters worse.
Today: I had to face the moment I’d been looking forward to, been missing and dreaded the most, having to walk up to him, look him in the eye and somehow hope things would erase itself or just magically become good as new.
I found him in the cafeteria and contemplated going down there. There were two possible outcomes. He’d either ignore me, or hold me in his arms and apologize. Well…just my luck, I was turned down. I went to class, feeling defeated, frustrated, sad… everything bad put together. It was not pleasant.
”So are you gonna go look for him”
“No… it’s not worth my pain”
Time after time, whenever I decide that I might as well give up since things already seem to be at it’s worse, he jumps back up and suprises me….every…single…time. He waited for me by my locker. He was early today. As I walked by him, we exchanged looks awkwardness. But the thing is…both of us were more sad that we had to go through what we did this weekend rather than upset at things that we’d done to each other, said to each other. Everything else didn’t seem to matter except that things between us were patched. He placed his forehead to mine and no words were exchanged. No words were needed by that point.
So yes, things are better now. Suprisingly better than what it was before. I find in relationships, cycles are run. At the end of a week when things are stale, the weekend seems to strenghthen the bond when we’re apart and thinking of one another. Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger eh??
Makes me wonder…a relationship is buildt upon… passion? Feelings have to be quite strong. But how long do these feelings remain strong? And do these arguments, fights, misunderstandings really help in a relationship between two people?
[This is how it goes]
I guess this is the way it goes. If you can’t beat em join em? I suppose whenever he “runs” away from me, he does come back. And he’s done nothing to hurt me really.
He came online and I waited. I didn’t want to say anything coz then if he doesn’t really talk [because he's busy], then I might start feeling neglected. Before he left, he said “I love you” then logged out.
[Seeing green]
“You don’t want to wait for a half hour with me”
I walked home alone having to tell myself repeatedly that the only reason he was going home with her was because he was in need of a ride as opposed to waiting a half an hour for his dad to come pick him up. Out of convenience. He gave me a look of …pity? sadness? It was one of those “aw don’t look so sad. I’ll see you tomorrow ok?” kind of looks. He tried to make me feel better by hugging me . He held my hands and told me he’d see me tomorrow.
At first I felt alright. I feel confident enough to know that he’s a good person and his love for me is true. What upsets me the most is how he runs off somewhere and just leaves me. Doesn’t say what he’s doing, where he’s going. I know I can’t keep him on a leash. And getting mad at him for that’s kinda stupid. But maybe I should let him know or see that it does bother me. But how. Get mad? Or sad…
[The Lamps are different, but the Light is the same]
We’re exposed to so many different religions in the world, so many cultures and beliefs. But in the end, we’re all the same. We’re all human.
[Over and over and over and over....and again]
Because I’ve been feeling like I’m not so much of a priority to him the past few days:
I planned to play the ignoring game all day. When I got to school, I went upstairs. Somehow I feel like I haven’t been up there in ages. Well he was no where to be seen. And I had hoped that maybe he was already there so I could just walk away from him and see if he’d start to wonder why it’s not I who is going to him. I drowned my thoughts with music blarring through my ears. I couldn’t heay anything else. At the corner of my eye, I spot him in his grey jacket coming around the bend at the stairs. I didn’t see if he had looking upstairs but he was walking up. I continued to stare straight ahead. Patiently I waited, thoughts running through my head. [Did he see me?] [Is he gonna come say hi?] [Or did he not see me and is he going to class?] [Did he see me but not feel like coming to say hi, or got distracted along the way?] [What will I do if he doesn't come? Sulk the rest of the day?] [What if he DOES come, then my plans will be ruined?] Guess I’ll never be happy eh? I calmed my thoughts and just when I decided “Meh, whatever, I’m happy”, a pair of hands reached around my waist. I turned around and smiled at him. I held on to him tightly. It spoke, “omg I can’t live without you”. He walked me to my locker, “Yearbook?”. It was as if we were in one of those highschool chickflicks or something. The day before, when everything seemed to be going wrong, he’d ask somewhat the same question, “Photography?”. It ended in *slap* “How can you not remember what I have?!”. Yesterday, it was different. It went more like: “Yearbook?” *knods* “Hah! I’m right today!” He looked at me as if he were a little kid seeking a word of praise from his mom for doing something right, ”Look I got it right today, aren’t you proud of me?”
He came looking for me [or so I think] after our first class. Bumped into him as I ran down the stairs on my way to class, late. He was in there.
I came out late for lunch and I figured he had gone to do his own thing as usual. I didn’t worry too much about it. As I got up to my locker, he was there with a bunch of his friends. He came to say hi and that was when I feared it’d begin all again. We stood there for a while. Then something would come along and distract him. I stood there, not knowing what to do. Go downstairs and hang out with my friends? Stay and follow him wherever he goes? He walked up to the stairs. Figured he was going somewhere. Except he never tells me what he’s doing. [I know a guy who's gotten upset at his girlfriend for running off without him. She had a valid reason. But I guess I can understand how he feels.] I followed him down to the band room where his other friends were. I ate the rest of my lunch and watched them practice. A while after, he gets up and puts away his guitar, picks up his backpack and walks towards the door. [Well at least tell me to come or something] He walks out and heads straight for the gym. Here I am… following him everywhere. I stopped by the cafeteria and sat with my friends. I gave up trying to get his attention. A couple minutes later though, he comes back [probably just coz there wasn't anything happening in the gym] He seemed to want my attention then. And I just spoon fed it to him. Am I making it too easy? Is that it? He’s pretty much controlling me. It shouldn’t be the other way but more so equal. Guess we aren’t perfect. Our world seems to be so full of balance as well as imbalance. Balance in the sense that with good days, come the bad. But imbalance in the sense that they don’t alternate equally. Monday and Tuesday could be good, followed by Wednesday being horrible, Thursday being spectacular and Friday good once again.
[All this and more]
“What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know.”
“I wanna go home.”
“I don’t wanna.”
“But I wanna.”
“Then go.”
“Aw but I can’t leave you here.”
He says that, then spends 2 and a half hours with me, or rather “with” me. Physically, he’s there… mentally, he’s gone. And it’s making me sad. Am I just that happy on the outside that you can’t tell I’m …not? Sigh…the past few days, I feel like, I’m not important… as important as everything else. Back in the summer, he said lots of things to me. Things like, “99.99% of the time is spent trying to make you happy. Everything else, the .01%, just doesn’t matter. Last night he told me “I can’t say ‘come home’, and that makes me sad. Nothing will be the same until I can say come home. Right now it’s, are you going home?” And what opposes it, this morning I walked up to him. No hug. No kiss. Not even a hey, how are you? I stood there like a fool not knowing what to do. Just walk away? Stay with him coz I still love him? Ignore him? All of a sudden I feel like, he only comes to me when he feels lonely. It doesn’t go the same the other way. And I give and give and give. I don’t show that I’m upset or bothered by anything coz I don’t want him to be upset. I need to be more selfish… think more about myself than others. Strange as that sounds.
Sigh, and I thought I’d be happy forever.
[It's not new to me]
“It just makes you think, why they pick these guys. What do they have in common at all? I mean they’re good girls. Then they go out and find all these guys who do drugs, they smoke and all of that.”
I had a chatta-chat with one of my ex-teachers. We were out on the grass field, boyfie and I. We had 2 and a half hours of a study block. I didn’t want to go home; he did. But he said he couldn’t leave me at school alone. “So what do you wanna do?”…”I don’t know, anything. Just not home.”…”I wanna go home, but I can’t leave you here.”
I guess at least he stayed with me so I wouldn’t be alone. Or else, I wouldn’t be too peachy. Well, I wouldn’t say our time together was extremely bad. We had our moments. He called his dad eventually. =( I went outside to wait with him. It was probably the best moment together we had all day.
“How long have you being dating him”
“Hmm, since last Summer.”
“O..yea that’s cool. Like, you and him are a good couple. You’re both good kids. There are some couples out there that just make you think, what on earth. They just don’t match.”
[I need you now, like I needed you then]
“I missed you.”
As sincere as that sounds, somehow his actions still contradict what he says. We did our own thing at lunch today. I was fine with that. After lunch, we had our study block together. All his friends were around and I guess maybe he was distracted. His bestfriend gave me more attention that he! I probably talked to his bestfriend more than anyone today. I watched his soccer game and after that he came by to see me. I put my arms around him and he hugged me. But left shortly after. So, what, I just keep catching him at the wrong times?
-First we’re doing our own thing so we don’t really see each other much.
-Then his friends are around so he’s distracted.
-Then he comes back from a soccer game and is tired
Am I just needy?
