[Just when....]
So I thought my emo blog was gonna close down. Apparently not.
I blew it. His mom’s always been nice to me. She’s always been quite tolerant. I can’t phone him anymore. I wont phone him anymore. We shouldn’t be talking late on the phone. We shouldn’t be getting into stupid fights right now. But we do. What’s the world going to do to us? Punish us for feeling? His parents came home. She told him to hang up. He asked why. She picked the phone up. Told me he had to go to sleep. I didn’t answer. She said, in a very harsh tone, HELLO! And right after I said yea, she hung up.
I’m never going to his house again. Never getting a ride from his parents again. Never going to see his parents again. Everything inside of me is dead. She hates me now. For giving her son such a hard time. For making his days a little bluer. For making him want to make things better.
I thought things were going smoothly.
[She will surrender the night]
And as he walks away, not a word said, just a sparkle in his eyes, she will crumble on the inside. He says not a word and she will walk away, but not long after, she will return. Why? Because she’s weak.
[Scale]
I’m on one end of a scale trying to find my way to the middle, to find a balance. My legs aren’t strong enough to find the centre. I’m either on the left or the right. But I wish to be on both.
[I've been, watching your world from afar]
I’ve been, trying to be where you are. I’ve been, secretly falling apart
My extended family. SHE referred to him as my extended family.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Problem after problem. I wish I could sleep. But even in my sleep, I can’t escape.
[Promise]
“Where are you gonna go?”
“I’ll go wherever you go.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I know these things…and I know, I’ll never leave you.”
[And when you wake up, I'll be the first thing you see]
Each time he gets upset, I’ve realized, he’s afraid of what the not-so-distant future brings. We’ve somewhat surpassed our little problems like jealousy and miscommunication. Lately he’s been thinking about our past summer and the one upcoming. Wondering what will happen at the end of school. I really hope he doesn’t have to go away. And if he does, not for a long time. Makes me wonder though. Is this it? If he does have to go away for 4 years to study. What am I gonna do? He’s not gonna be with any girls for 4 years? He still wears the necklace I gave him and said that he’ll never part from it. He tells me I shouldn’t have to work next summer and that he will and I can spend his money. At the same time he talks of going away. I’m so confused.
[Some call it love]
I got a comment for being too emo. Yea, I’d be pretty annoyed if I read a blog like this one. But now I realize what goes through people’s heads when they type up their cheesy emo pathetic blogs.
On a lighter note, my two weeks of uncertainty has resulted in a lot of talking.. a lot of crying… but a lot of clarity.
My brother-equivalent, I’ve known for 2 and a half years now still doesn’t believe that he‘s good enough for me. I guess it’s different from his point of view. Funny how things turn out. How one person can make everything worthwhile, even all the days of pain.
[Longing]
Time after time after time, the feeling starts off as a tiny growth, something that’s so small it can easily be ignored. Then it starts to grow. As time passes it turns into a huge monster that I can no longer support. Maybe I just long to be like those regular couples. Deep down inside. Those that cling onto each other 24/7. Naw. I wouldn’t want that. I wouldn’t want him to seem as if he didn’t care either. For the past 2 weeks we’ve gotten in and out of arguments. It’s the first time I’ve been able to be mad at him and actually show it. In the past, when things were kinda in the grey area, I couldnt’ say much. So here are the reasons I get ticked:
-When he comes to me in the morning. Talks for 5 minutes. Then turns and walks in the opposite direction without saying anything. He goes to class leaving me standing there like some friggin idiot. Obviously I know he’s going to class, yes. But come on.. you don’t just walk away unless you’re gonna come back 2 minutes later or something.
-When he plugs his music on, and I say something to him, he can’t hear me. Then I tell him if he didn’t have the tunes in his hear, he’d hear me. That put aside, he does it again. “I’m going” *no answer*.. “Ugh you can’t hear me”…….“I can hear you. I hear every word you say. You just never ask me anything so I have nothing to say back”
I wish I had said “Well sometimes it’d be nice to know that someone’s actually listening and I’m not talking to a wall”
Time after time after time…
